LAUGHING ON THE REBOUND

03:24 am - It Doesn't Pay to Have An Electronic Orgasm

"There will only be one of you for all time, fearlessly be yourself!"
-The Bible(or the book that never quits making money)

I'M COMING BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK.......

Here's a taste of your fortune...yum...

$$$$$$$$$$$$$ART(DAWN OF TIME-2010)$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

MEMO TO ALL ARTISTS:
It has come to my clear attention that we are at war with mainstream corporations. We have let our souls become products for someone to pay off their bloated credit card bill. Silencing our voices for acceptance is the first step to "voluntary slavery"! Although it doesn't seem like it, the 20th century is over. It's time to stop hacking a dead century and unleash the originality swimming in all of us. Let your emotions guide you to a new world of creativity. Don't let the illusion of acceptance kill your thirst for liberation. The only way to ever grow as artists AND people is to break the fourth wall and create...SOMETHING. Mainstream...Underground...doesn't matter, just let your heart tell the story. This wont be easy. Cynicism and insecurity have taken over many of you. So I am asking all who want to join me in this journey to speak your mind. Not for me, not for art, but for yourselves. This is YOUR world. Take it!


LARRY DAVIS: La La La La...My Cherie Amour...Beautiful as the milky way...You can't escape the truth Evan. Sooner or later they will see you and your "reality" will disappear.

EVERYONE NEEDS AN ALTER EGO TO BLAME STUFF ON!
That's right, if you're tired of always getting yelled at for the following: cheating on spouse; stealing; murder; masturbating while watching Spongebob; eating pork and then spitting it out(repeat); drinking wine with your former middle school teachers and calling it "escape"; lying; getting fired for trying to sell the customers porn as well as coffee; making love to a pillow and then letting your sister borrow it; etc.

THEN GET YOURSELF AN ALTER EGO!!!!!!!

SATISFIED CUSTOMER: Hi, I use to always get blamed for stupid things like hit and runs and selling coke, now I don't have to worry cause I blame everything on my new "friend" Spencer. Yep Spencer has saved me alot of unnecessary guilt. Sure my ex girlfriend still wont buy the whole "split personality" thing...but I'm sure a visit from ol' Spencer will change her mind...if not fuck the bitch.

That's right YOU too can free yourself from all responsibility by creating an imaginary friend. TRY IT TODAY BEFORE YOU GROW UP!!!

Back in 4..2..9...11....BOOM!

EVAN: Hi we here at CasualDoner89's LiveJournal have been getting alot of complaints about the vagueness of our journal entries. It appears that many of you want my stories straight forward or not as long. Here's an edited and CLEAR version of A NIGHT WITH A girlFRIEND...

A NIGHT WITH A girlFRIEND
EVAN: Hi.
GIRL: Hi.
EVAN: I like you.
GIRL: As a friend?
EVAN: Yes...and well I'm attracted to you.
GIRL: That's unfortunate.
EVAN: Do I scare you.
GIRL: Of course. Creepy!
EVAN: I'm sorry
GIRL: It's okay
EVAN: We're still friends right?






EVAN: Hello?






THE END

03:32 am - Making Love on a Bed of Nails (Part 1)

"Survival makes a person do what they know deep down in their 
 heart is wrong."
 -John Turturro (She Hate Me)

The sun was covered by the clouds of insecurity and once again darkness fueled Evan's eyes. He sits by the "electronic cigarette" and searches for comfort. Larry has made his final attempt to break Evan. The war is almost over, but not before the climax...

CONFESSIONS OF A CLOSED MIND:
We all carry a cross towards the illusion of happiness. Does this self inflicted crucifixion justify sympathy? apathy? jealous? envy? No. Yes there is a certaint amount of Karma that plagues us, it's the world we have created. Yes I'm preaching...to myself. I have murdered this world with metaphors and now it's time to confess the insanity which drives this train wreck. I have always believed that explaining someone's true desires kills the magic and mystery. No one wants to talk about comedy, they want to laugh. It's better to have sex than to masterbate with lies. Everyone that knows me, has seen my melt down. There are those who have stayed and those who can't stand watching their friend die. I understand and forgive them for leaving. Pitty? No I am not after pitty. I will explain my feelings, but I refuse to apologize to people for confusing them. I have faith in the audience, that they are smart enough to explore someone if they want to. Whatever reaction, as long as it's real I'm happy. We thrive on manipulation and self-loathing for love. It doesn't last, eventually our empty souls are discovered. If you find me interesting, wonderful! If you are confused, then take a breath there is more in this world. If you are scared, then you aren't ready for the rest of the world, there are more threatening things than me....well maybe...

In the 1960s Harpo Marx spoke in front of a crowd for the first time in his career...people were interested and stunned...but the mystery was lost forever...it's that moment you realize love isn't sold on candy shelves, that your parents can't give you happiness, Muppets aren't real, and most police are angry, power hungry jerks like us, except they carry guns and night sticks. People spend their entire life searching for God, I don't want to know everything about him, except that he's there. I don't want to know everything about the love of my life, but these are my beliefs. There are those people who have to figure everyone out, or they can't sleep at night. The "Watchers" They look at you and in seconds develope a stereotype that comforts their mind. Honestly....why don 't you fucking study yourselfs for once? LiveJournal has been a huge supporter of stereotypes...we read into other people's thoughts, dreams, and pain... so we know them right? We have given up passion for convienence....people shop for boyfriends/girlfriends on line along with their DVDs and shower curtians. "Hey I just read that this girl likes Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind too...wow we're soul mates!" NO you found someone that sits on their ass typing to you all day and night, avoiding sun and contact with human life, and when you finally meet in that dream place you saw in John Cusack film, are you truly stunned when she is a gothic version of the Pilsburry Dough Boy?! It's amazing that in a machine built for information, we have eventually ended up searching for human love...are our true instincts speaking to us?

I have chosen to hide names in my true stories, because it's fair to the people, and those who don't know me, don't really care. But I have used Larry Davis' real name, and he has threatened to sue me. Hahahahah! Larry give me a call, and we'll meet up for ice cream. Everyone wants to be found. Tonight I will reveal everything, in small doses...I am crashing and don't care anymore. I have nothing to lose. Give me one reason to feel guilty for what I am about to do?

BUT IT DID HAPPEN:
Larry Davis is disguised as Evan's Central Conscience DR. REALITY in a purple colored room.
 
DR. REALITY: Why do you wear masks?
EVAN: I connect with the world better through imagination. I'm not afraid to be myself. This is who I am, I am all of these people. We all have different personalities, I just show them all.
DR. REALITY: You are bothering people, and are alone. Is this what you wanted? I know Andy Kaufman influenced these "performances" but you have always been abstract before you discovered him. People can't see you, if you are hidden.
EVAN: That's the whole point. I'm not hidden, they believe the illusion, cause they want to. The idea that I'm really not me, is ridiculous if you think about it..
DR. REALITY: If you WANT to think about it. Most people have given up and don't have patience for this game. I'm not telling you how to live, but you will be a lonely person if you don't change. Remember what Stephanie said "Acting should be on the stage only." Do you even know who you are anymore?
EVAN: Of course...I'm...

At this moment Evan realized that he had burried himself in insanity and the only way out was to confess his crimes.

EVAN: I just wanted to show people something they've never seen before...to make them feel alive again. I got lost because my heart was broken and I broke it. It wasn't "Amore", she was sweet, I was weak and afraid of the truth, just ask "BrittanyMurphy", she can barely stand me because I'm always afraid of her. So it's no wonder "Amore" became mean, she had no choice, I was that annoying. People can only take so much.
DR. REALITY: See you are blaming yourself for everything...you don't love yourself. You need help.
EVAN: No I'm being honest...what the fuck? Whats the point of talking if I can't express my thoughts? How the fuck are they wrong if the subject is personal?
DR. REALITY: Now your letting the anger take over. That's why "Amore" left, you scared her. You scare alot of people. Just be yourself, stop being creepy.
EVAN: This isn't going anywhere, you don't care, you want me to be a piece of clay. Look this is who I am, I don't desire to hurt, or bother people, but everyone hurts someone eventually, I mean...right?? I don't know anymore I'm tired, i just want to wake up!!!
DR. REALITY: You know what you need to do now, you must go into your heart and destroy the crushes and desires for those women, let go of them. Enough is enough.

"The dream is over..."
 -John Lennon

DR. REALITY shows Evan to the first door of one of his crushes. It's an orange colored door, with a smell of cigarettes and raspberry tea.

DR. REALITY: This is the first of 5 doors that will lead you to your crushes. You will have 24 hrs. to let them go. You can talk about anything, but you can never ask them to love you. This isn't a "last chance". This is you destroying your feelings for these women. I will be here waiting for you after each crush is destroyed. Once you have walked in, you must destroy your love, or you will forever be obsessed. 
EVAN: I don't need to do this, I can learn to get over them, it's part of life. What if one day I make peace with them, and we become....
DR. REALITY: That time has past, Evan! You can't manipulate yourself into believing that you have chances of getting closer with people that you've emotionally disturbed. Think about the girls who've disturbed you! Would you want to be close to them now?

REWIND MARCH 2004:
Evan and "CrazyBalletGirl" sit by a lake at a private airport at night. Evan knows she likes, him, he is lonely, but not ready to move on.
"CRAZYBALLETGIRL": Thanks for coming out here with me.
EVAN: Of course, I'm having fun.
"CRAZYBALLETGIRL": I feel embaressed saying this but I use to come and watch you work at starbucks and hope you would notice me.
EVAN: Wait...you knew who I was before the play?
"CRAZYBALLETGIRL": Yea I think I've known you my whole life.
EVAN: You have a boyfriend...I can't do this...
"CRAZYBALLETGIRL": Wait I'll break up with him for you if you want me too? Really I don't love him...please don't be uspet...
I feel like cutting myself.

"CrazyBalletGirl" starts to cry, and Evan feels manipulated He's been through this before, only the roles are switched...KARMA!!!!

BACK TO PRESENT:
EVAN: Ok, I'll do it. I'm tired of being a monster.
DR. REALITY: Save yourself...go don't waste anymore time...your heart only grows stronger for the women each minute you waste.

Evan takes a deep breath and walks through the orange colored door. DR. REALITY smiles and Larry's eyes shine through the disguise. He has wrapped Evan's weakness with guilt and played the songs of regret. Now the clock ticks as Evan walks through a sea of heartbreak, one last time...

TO BE CONTINUED...

04:44 pm - ADVERTISEMENT FOR THE BROKEN HEART

"I made him my dream, instead of having a dream for myself."
 -"BrittanyMurphy" (2004)

We interrupt 'I'M FROM A CANCELED 80s SITCOM, PLEASE LOVE ME' to bring you a special P.S.A.(Public Service Anouncement...DUH!) from LARRY DAVIS!!!

LARRY: Goodbye Dark Moon, you're thirst for sympathy has clouded our attraction to your smile. The wind stole your lies and carried them to every woman's glow. The personification of your soul has melted the sea of angels into a sweet cup of jello! JELLO! JELLO! Are you confused? Annoyed, that you've just wasted 2 minutes of your life reading another shitty metaphor poem? Then my friends I think you would all agree with me, in the fact that Evan's mind has become an empty closet of dreams...DAMN! even I'm speaking in metaphors! ahh! Straight up! This motherfucker has got on my last nerve and I'm sure you all agree, it's time to stop him. Since he refuses to let go of his "true love" he has destroyed ever opportunity that has crossed him. He has been kicked out of many comedy clubs, been fired from Starbucks! How the fuck do you get fired from Starbucks, you just push a button and give the steaming shit to the rich/artsy assholes! He's ruined relationships with his friends, by making himself a victim of loneliness...aww poor baby! I want to vommit everytime I hear him cry. Now the fucker has anemia...Please don't feel sorry for him, it's cause his fagetty ass won't eat infront of people. You people are lucky cause you don't live inside his mind, I do! To avoid further embarresment, I have captured Evan's "kryptonight" hehe...And today's million dollar question is.."WHAT MAKES EVAN WEAK?" .......HINT: L-O-V-E!!!
Yes I will take all of you inside this freak's heart and one by one, his central heart memory will be destroyed. And we will never have to hear about his love life again! Below is the list of people I've pulled from his mind. These are all real women. Girls from a relationship, friends he had a crush on, infatuations, and lost love...all here! And with the invention of LiveJournal everyone can watch his true essence be destroyed! I knew this pathetic lonely geek journal was good for something....my god you people are rendundantly pathetic! "I'm lonely! I'm in love, this quiz says I'm a whore!" whoopty fuckingdo! Anyway, I have work to do, enjoy your show...oh and if anyone of you digital whores has the Olson Twins orgy, send me a copy...wait on second thought wait til next month when they're 18...

                                              CRUSH LIST

• "BrittanyMurphy"
• "Dorothy"
• Natalie Mendez
• Jennifer Alose
• Arcella Reyes
• Aubrey Staples
• Amanda Mullee
• Shannon Brinson
• Janet Jackson
• "Amore"

                           CRUSHING ONE MEMORY AT A TIME

                                               COMING SOON ;)

01:59 pm - Dreaming Without a License

"There's talking and there's love. Mix the two and you get fatig."
-???? (2004)

MIDNIGHT outside Half-Price Book Store:
*Larry Davis sits on the hood of his car playing with a golden zippo. A black BMW drives up. Larry smiles and walks over to the angry colored car.

LARRY: You're late. What's with all the tinted windows? It's not like we don't know who you are. Damn! Someone put a shit load of books infront of Half-Price. Haha!

The driver window in the BMW starts to roll down, but Larry can't see anything, it's pitch black. A grainy voice can be heard beneath the darkness.

GRAINY-VOICE: When do you want me to cut the memory-gland?
LARRY: Whoa! You don't waste anytime do you? He-he. Well Eeevan should be going to sleep pretty soon, so I think we should have enough time to break into his ROMANCE section and fuck him up! haha!
GRAINY-VOICE: I can't promise this will work, I've never gone that far before. I'm gonna need his FEAR of LOVE to break in.
LARRY: Oh trust me, we'll get that far. I'll get his fears.
GRAINY-VOICE: What about her? She will see us coming and erase us!
LARRY: Don't worry about that wanna be angel! She's taken care of. Ah my boy Eeevan's asleep. Look he's writing about his problems with that Ballet Dancer....awww...poor baby...What a fucking pussy! I would of knocked that cutchie down the first night.
GRAINY-VOICE: What do you get out of his misery?

Larry gets an angry but strained smile on his face and looks inside the window.

LARRY: His misery, is my existence. Well, what kind of fucking answer did you want! That's the corniest sci-fi bullshit I could think of! I don't know. I just can't stand to see that fool ruin his and MY life anymore. Enough is enough! Now I'll meet you outside Evan's FEARS in 30 mins.

The BMW's window rolls up and the car disapears into the darkness. Larry looks at the projector and sees Evan writing in his LiveJournal.
LARRY: That's right, just enjoy these last few hours. What a cry baby...

Larry disapears, while Evan types out his heart...

Should love be so easy, to the point where someone is crawling inside your skin and using your memories to attack your heart strings? Isn't that manipulation? No wait it's fait right? Her love doesn't seem real...Maybe I'm just being parinoid, I mean I do get lonely sometimes and I have been hurting over two women lately, but it doesn't feel real. I can't base a relationship out of loneliness, i mean everyone is lonely; puppies are lonley! I'm a lost puppy....

LOST PUPPY:
The morning murders the night as the birds dance for food. Her voice rings in my ear as I drive to the McDonald's of Colleges, and I have this spark of energy that scares my friends. I've been so depressed, neurotic and creepy that the meer site of a smile seems foreign. Love is truly the best kind of drug on earth. Once you have it, or even believe you have it nothing can crush you. God I'm pathetic, I've been so starved for affection that I've taken the first person who's shown intrest. My heart isn't a pillow people can use to sleep or even a tissue to blow their pain into. Irony of love: You cant have what you want, but you get smothered with what you can't understand...wait that can be worded better....try again: Irony of love: You can't have every...no um....dammit

*This isn't a movie Evan! You can't do retakes in real life!

I was waiting for you. I thought this calm emotion was too good to be true.

*You have no clue who I am! Hint: "Hey gay boy! Stop acting like Jim Carrey!"

No way! How did you get in here!

*Shit, don't ask me, you're the one writing.

("BrittanyMurphy" steps out from the shadows and smiles sarcastically at Evan)

"BrittanyMurhpy": So why are you thinking of me so much? It's starting to creep me out, and I rarely get creeped out. Are you obsessed with me! Ewww! Stalker!!!

Wait are we doing script form again? shit...this is getting old
I just wanted to write poetry today! ahh! Larry put you up to this!

"BrittanyMurphy": I don't even know Larry. Look Evan, if you're not gonna be honest with me, at least tell yourself the truth. Why do you take everything I do so personally? We're just friends, and you're gay.

This doesn't make any sense. Nothing does. Why am I thinking about you, writing about the Ballet Dancer and in love with "Amore"

"BrittanyMurphy": I don't know! Don't involve me with the Ballet Dancer. That's your problem and I think you're over reacting anyway. And quit bitchin' about your ex! This is boring, I thought your mind would be crazy, or at least have alot more secrets. I'm going to Jack in the Box! Bye Gay-Boy!
("BrittanyMurphy" disapears)

That was weird, but not weird enough. Something's missing. It's like my soul is dying...

MURDERING THE SOUL:
Delicious nights awaken my thirst
Always running towards the door
My empty heart will never burst
Your knife can't stab me anymore
Metaphors blind your eyes, but open my soul
Soft lips can't protect you from lies
Only your first kiss can escape my control
Losing you is death in disguise
Stealing my thoughts caused this infection

(this is where the LiveJournal would end)

EVAN'S FEARS:
This is where death is born. Where insecurity spreads and dreams are burned. Illogical nightmares that scream out every ghost. Every 5 minutes there's an earthquake of regret and no where to hide from the crumbling of self-love. The fuel for all this is the slimey, corroding power of GUILT. Outside the fear-lobe, Larry watches the electric memories fly by. Larry opens up a black bag, with a green light that glows from it.
He pulls out a clear gel like mask. He wraps it around his face and he starts to melt into jello. Then the jello rises into a body form and Larry isn't visable anymore, he's taken the shape of an angel. This angel is beautiful, she has green eyes, light brown hair and dreamy skin.

DREAM-ANGEL/LARRY: Hell ya! I have tits! Ahahahah! My night is planned. First, lets masterbate with Eeevan's fears!

Reality is a prison, only when we accept it will we be free...

02:15 am - Return of Insanity and 11 Ways to Cook Your Heart Without Guilt...mmmm

"Acting can be one of the most beautiful forms of art in the world, but when you acted off stage it became one of the ugliest."
-"Dorothy" (2003)

Tell me your secrets and I will wrap them with chocolate desires and dip them in a sea of your passions. I can't wake up! I've tried everything...back to masturbation. Paris Hilton?...why not...NO! I'm done with waisting time! Time has been sliced like a purple ribbon. This is my last chance to exist. There is no explanation for my silence from livejournal, except this...

7 DAYS OF LUST:

DAY 34:
I met this beautiful person, and I honestly fell in love with them. A different kind of love, this time it wasn't desire or infatuation but I adored their sense of humor. For the longest time I haven't been able to make people laugh on stage because I can't make MYSELF laugh, but when I met her something opened up. I remembered those lazy middle school days, when you would watch the Simpsons and have laughter was injected into your veins. The world was yours. I swear some of the funniest stuff I ever did was in 7th and 8th grade. I could make crowds of people in the lunch room laugh with my psychotic dance moves, why? because I felt free, and with freedom you control your destiny. Behind this "prison" I can only dream of those memories and pray they happen again. When "Brittany Murphy" stepped into my life, I now had proof that COMEDY IS NOT DEAD!
"Brittany" wears every joke and metaphor like a Shield against ignorance and people who want to turn others into clay...

21 PIECES OF CLAY, Part II: By Ricky Bowen

As the building exploided, glass cut through the air, and Albert Morviasky limped from the smoke towards the panther colored limo "You can't leave! I'm not dead yet!" He yelled. The limo screached to a stop. A pair of ruby high heals step out of the limo. "Damn, they took all my cigarettes. Fucking p.c. bastards!" a silky, devilish voice says. The smoke clears and Albert sees his sister Candice smiling at him holding a gun. "Ally, I told you to stay in the building, the fire would have been less painfull. Have it your way." She raises the gun and points it toward his eyes. Albert dropps to his knees and starts to undress. "What the fuck are you doing now you fucko!" she yells. Albert, completly nude raises his arms and walks towards her. She looks startled, and quickly points the silencer at Albert. "You sad little..." BANG! There is a dead silence. Albert looks into Candice's lime eyes and watches them turn red as blood drips from her forehead. He looked over and saw the limo driver holding a smoking gun. He was puzzled, the driver looked different and was smiling. "Wake the fuck up Evan!" the limo driver demands. Albert was confused. Why did the driver call him Erwin? "I said Evan you fucking ass muncher!" the limo driver screamed. "And my name is Larry Davis, and I'm not a limo driver, I'm your fucking arch enemy, now wake up before I shoot your self image and rape his mind!" This was very odd considering that Albert..."God! There is no hope for you!" The Lim..er um Larry takes off his sunglasses and walks over to Albert. "Hey I'm not part of this, he just wrote this story to divert from his affect...um admiration for "Brittany Murphy"." Albert says nervously. Larry smiles and pulles out a box of altoids. He offers Albert one, Albert just looks at him "Heh heh! Tell me Al, why the fuck did he have you take of your damn clothes?" Larry interrogates. "I..I..think it was suppose to distract Candice, and then somehow I would get her gun." Larry rolled his eyes "Now if that aint one of the shittiest writing cliches I've ever...the bitch didn't even know how to point a gun, she would have shot the fucking birds..." Albert interrupts Larry with laughter "Hahah, that's funny. You and..." BAM! Larry shoots Albert in his left arm. "AH! What the fuck! You shot me!" "I'll make this simple metaphorite. I'm gonna ask Evan to tell us how he really feels now, and for every damn sonnet or metaphor he gives us, I'm gonna shoot you. Starting with your toes." Larry looks up to the sky for a response. Albert starts to cry and... "Time out! Time the fuck out! Are you even listening to me Evan? Or have the DVDs fucked up your senses. I'm gonna shoot your character. The story will end, if you don't fucking tell me how you feel! This is a JOURNAL! Not a Creative Writing Forum! Have some respect for the internet geeks that post on this site. Yeah, Yeah, they're craving attention, and waist their time taking pussy ass quizes, but at least they know how to write a damn story, or make a fucking point!" Larry shoots Albert's left foot off. Albert starts to scream to the sky "Evan! He's freaking serious! Do what he says! Please!" Larry kicks his head, "I aint playin' and after I kill him, I'll bring some prostitutes into your story and start fucking their asses and there will be a MONEY SHOT!" Larry had always been angry ever since he found out he had one testicle..."What! Now that's juvenile! Not even funny! Anybody who watches The Man Show can write that! Ah fuck it, I'm tired of waiting and I know YOU are too!" Larry shoots Albert in the chest five times. Larry looks in Alberts face and yells "Next time someone offers you an altoid you accept. Arrogant bitch!" Then he goes over to a pay phone and calls...????"I'm calling one of your friends, yea this shit's about to get REAL!" Larry chews rapidly on his altoids. "Hello? Yeah is Chris Bachman there? Hey Chris what's up, fucker! No, you don't know me, but I know alot about your ass...hey wait a sec, I'm gonna switch to script form so they can follow this shit better...just hold the fuck on...."

LARRY: Hello? Yeah, now listen I want you to come down to a gas station in the middle of fucking nowhere. Well fuck you too! No you don't have a choice. I'm giving you 5 seconds.

Chris Bachman appears out of nowhere.

CHRIS BACHMAN: Hi..um...what's going on here?
LARRY: Shut the fuck up! We're playing a game, see I ask you questions about Evan and you answer them.
CHRIS: I'm suppose to be watching a Johnny Depp movie right now, so I can suck up to him, and act like him, and seem cool. I need someone to model myself off of, it's how I exist....wait did I just dis myself?
LARRY: Yea, that's Evan. He wrote that shit.
CHRIS: Evan? You mean I'm in one of his shitty plays? This sucks
LARRY: Tell me about it. Just play along and maybe I wont rape your skull.

Chris gives him a sour faced "I'm better than you" look. He looks like a human version of a rotting lemmon.

CHRIS: I never make those faces Evan!
LARRY: Now Chris, when did you first meet Evan?
CHRIS: At Samantha Alveraldo's birthday party. It was like 1999, he was the weird-cool guy who sang her a song and at first it freaked me out, then it was kind of cool cause he didn't care what anyone thought, so I liked it.
LARRY: Good, good. Now when did you notice he was a self-hating, wanna be Andy Kaufman psycho? That he obsesses about love, wares make-up and cries when he listens to Stevie Wonder songs...

Larry then gets a sudden case of diarrhea. And has to run to a bathroom, except there are no bathrooms.

LARRY: Fuck you! Evan! This isn't fair...oh...I'll be back in about 30...no one hour...god damn it!

Larry runs off. Chris looks around like he's annoyed.

CHRIS: Is all the profanity really necessary Evan? I noticed you haven't spent anytime developing a story, characters. It's becoming offensive and boring. You can't rely on violence, sex and toilet humor to keep an audience interested. I don't even like hanging out with you anymore, why would you want me in your story? Hey man! Wanna go up to the projects in 5th ward kick some hobos out of their apartments and spend the night there? It's gonna be AWESOME!!!

Chris then sees actor Jude Law shinning in the golden sunset, and hearts flutter Chris' eyes.

CHRIS: Hey Jude! Wait! I want to tell you how great you are and pretend to be your friend. I need to follow someone so I feel important! Wait. I love you maaan..Oh gosh gee golly gum drops!
JUDE LAW: Wow, you think I'm that great...I'm speechless. No one understands me. I feel like I've known you for years. Hold me!

The famous song from 'An Officer and a Gentleman', UP WHERE WE BELONG plays as Chris and Jude embrace eachotheer and skip off holding hands into a sunset, like two rabbits on crack.

Exactly ONE HOUR LATER....

Larry appears looking exhausted and holding his stomach.

LARRY: You bastard! If I ever...ohh...okay, okay. If you ever do that again, I'm gonna tell them ever damn crush you've had since 1989!


LARRY: I see you don't like that idea...huh? Ok now tell your audience(those poor souls that are left) how you really feel right now. I'm not playing anymore, fucking tell them the truth!

Larry grabs a green colored book, labeled EVAN'S CRUSHES: Vol. 1
and opens it.

LARRY: Heh heh! Let's see...ah...Stacey, Kindergarten class...Terra Peterson, you'r mom's best friend's daughter....ah this is a good one, cause this person is known by most of your readers. Her name is D...

Ok! Larry! Stop! Please. I'll do what you want...

LARRY: I want you to fucking tell them how you feel!

Ok....I feel.....tired...goodnight everyone ;)

05:52 pm - MELTED GRASS

"...he's a cross between 'borderline genus' and a 'mad man'..."
-Chris Bachman on the analysis of Evan Davis(2003)

I need music, I'm suffocating. Where is the music? 10 seconds to spare til I start screaming for music............AHHHHHHH!

FAINTING UNDER LIMELIGHT
The mind stays alive for aprox. 12 min. after you die. Here take another drink of digital rum, let the juices of the past encrypt your perception of angels, as they haunt you with soft kisses and dazzle you with erotic confessions...

Emptiness is injected into your veins
The projector flashes her lips across the burnt screen
Imagine her whispering chocolate flavored lies as your heart drains...
Jealousy and envy have been your best friends since you were seventeen...
Insecurity is the new plague of the twenty first century
Stevie Wonder songs and John Cusack films ignite the passion
She will never kiss you above the Fallen City, and that’s reality...
Dancing on your forgotten love is her new satisfaction
'Great Expectations' was a prophet to the hopeless Romantic’s demise...
She lives between sleep and awake and dies before apathy and right after heart ache...
You have created a web of guilt that no pop song can revise

*LARRY DAVIS: *Click*

LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN:
Halle Berry walks out to the screaming crowd over to Conan's desk.
CONAN: Wow what a year you've had, thank you for coming to the show.
HALLE: Oh it's my pleasure Conan, you know I love you, I mean you have the cutest face.

Halle hugs Conan, the crowd goes nuts. Conan goes into his tough guy shtick

CONAN(deep voice): Yeah baby, that's what you get on this show.
So tell me about your knew film GOTHIKA.
HALLE: Well it's a complex thriller about a woman psychiatrist who...
CONAN: I love skittles! Touch my Nipples! ahhhahahahaaa!

Conan dances on top of his desk like an ape, as the band plays Mr. Blue Sky by ELO, Halle stairs at him puzzled. Audience loves it.

CONAN: Whoohoo...sorry about that, now you were saying?
HALLE(suprised): Um...well haha..you're so silly...I'm this psychiatrist who ends up seeing a mysterious....
CONAN: Hey you have dandriff....
HALLE: Huh?
CONAN: I'm sorry Ms. Berry, but you have a coat of dandrif all over you...
HALLE(embarressed): No I don't..I ...
CONAN: Hey that reminds me of a song...

Conan signals to the band, they play a Barry White type jingle, Conan makes faces, and starts to sing, while Halle gets extremly annoyed.

CONAN: Christmas time is here, time for wine and cheer. It's so cold outside, can make ya swallow ya pride...the children are making snowmen, snow flakes fall while we dance in a nice winter wonder...wha...wait that's not snow...it's Halle Berry's DANDRIFF! Whooha!

Audience errupts with laughter.

HALLE: What the fuck is wrong with you Conan, I didn't come here to play this bullshit!
CONAN: I'm sorry, look if you want I can recomend a very good shampoo, it helped me...
HALLE: I don't have fucking dandriff okay! You fucking whacko! ugh!!! I just came here to plug my damn movie and you start acting a fool.
CONAN(acting offended): AH! You mean you came here for a movie and not to make sweet, mad, wild delicious love to me!?
HALLE: Fuck this!

Halle unpluggs her mic and walks out. Conan whispers to the audience.

CONAN(softly): Okay I think she's a little upset so next time you see Ms. Berry, please don't mention...the DANDRIFF! Whoohahh....

*LARRY DAVIS: *click*

02:27 am - 21 Pieces of Clay

"Constant Talking isn't necessarily communicating."
-Jim Carrey(Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)

DYING WITHOUT A PURPOSE:
He stands alone waiting to drink the satine juice, then a splash arrogence hits the microphone....I'm stuck in a hotel watching bad SNL reruns, then the phone rings..."It never entered my mind..." her crispy voice said. Wha? Was I halucinating again? was this another plea for attention in my own subconscience? Then desperation is destroyed by the music.

"All I Want for Christmas..."
-Mariah Carey

The leaves died without saying goodbye, then you shake every bone in your body on the dance floor to impress your boss as he drinks and fucks up the economy without remorse, maybe the war will be over tomorrow, but we must all talk about the Matrix, cause it's so dense that it carries us from reality...oh no it's just a movie without a purpose...we were duped! Now the DJ spins the night around with forgot tunes about heartbreak..."Please come back to me!" he yells across the stoned crowd. TIME STOPS!!!!!!!!!!!

MARY: Hi
RICKY: Where have you been?
MARY: You left me with your purpose a long time ago. Between your destiny and true love. But I'm here now. Want some skittles?
RICKY: My heart belongs to "Amore". She's gone, but my eyes are spinning to your melody.
MARY: Don't wait for the Ben Ladin to die, or the last episode of Friends to air, this is all you have now, this is it. Do you remember the promise?

THE PROMISE: Summer 1998, Anytown U.S.A.
IZZY: Now that you have found yourself, don't lose the gift.
Izzy opens the box full of dead emotions
IZZY: These are your ghosts, you've faced them and now you must say goodbye. Sadistic wishes and self proclaimed Martyrs will never see what you've seen. You are all now in control of your own life. Conrgadulations!
Ricky realizes that for one week he has escaped his arch enemy Larry and hasn't even thought about death...he was freed...

*Oh my God! You have burned our eyes with your smaltzy, cheesy and overly emotional babble YUCK! IHOP would die for all the SAP you've created...FUCK Frank Capra aghhehghg!

Back to present:
Mary hugs Ricky and fills his heart with dangerous hope.
MARY: It's real. You aren't afraid of rejection this time. Now you're afraid of it working and being something beautiful.
Ricky watches as she drifts back into the robotic crowd, and TIME RESTARTS!!!

She's right, I'm afraid of letting go of "Amore". Two choices, and I have to live with them both. Wait this doesn't make sense. Where did she come from? My mind is turning into a jigsaw puzzle on acid...

*VOICE: Still struggling over that female?

Who is that?!

*VOICE: You always were a big headed bastard who couldn't make his own decisions without confessing his fears to the entire world. Damn man, you aint even Catholic!

No it can't be, we made peace, you left...

*VOICE: It's quite humerous Eeevaaan that while you've been over here crying about this girl for over two years, I've been getting stronger and am half way through college. Yes sir, it is quite humerous, if not sad.

The pieces don't fit anymore, too many webs! Not enough coffee...he's alive!!!
Ladies and Gentleman welcome Mr. Larry Davis, Jr.!

RETURN OF THE JACKAL(Part 1 of -9)
"I'm just trying to help you out."
"Nooo!"
"Eeeevaaan, you never stop."
"The Nation will come in here and whipe you the fuck out."
"Did you just mark on my shoe? That's it we gonna fight."
"I know EVERYTHING!!!"

The quotes of a mad man. Yes according to comic book logic, "every hero needs a villian" We all have our exact opposites. People who are the evil or good side of us. We may be "polite" to them, but we all know they are ready to rip us apart. Superman had Lex Luther. Batman had the Joker. Professor X had Magneto. Chucky had Tickle Me Elmo...and if I would ever have an evil balance, his name would be LARRY DAVIS!

*LARRY: Yo playa...we don't have time for the history. Let me break this down for ya. You've been trippin over some whacked out ho for the last 2 years and now you met another girl who you may like, and might even like you. Some would say this is a miracle...but what do you do? You start bitchin' about how you can't have everything....GROW THE FUCK UP!

Larry's eyes turn green and his posture straightens as the doors to my mind close. No escape.

*LARRY: There is no interesting person on this earth who hasn't had his heart broken. You want to stay in the shit forever?
RICKY: Why are you giving me advice? What do you want?

*LARRY: First of all, I'm not giving you advice I'm just tryin to help you out...second...Stop calling yourself RICKY BOWEN. We all know who you are...and by the way your "" marks don't hide shit!
EVAN: It was all part of a plan, Ricky is my alter ego...
*LARRY: Andy Kaufman.
EVAN: No, it's different...
*LARRY: I'm only going to say this once.....I AM YOUR ALTER EGO MOTHER FUCKER!

Larry takes Evan's artistic lobe and breaks off a piece

*LARRY: I believe this is the creative part of your mind. Now each time you make me upset I will crush a piece of what's left...even though not much is here muahahahahah!

Trapped in my own self loathing nightmare, the lights of passion burn down the memories of guilt, may you find shelter is self discovery and snort cocaine not from $20 but $100s.

*LARRY: So you'ved discovered where "Amore" is?

TO BE CONTINUED...

02:43 am - It's all an Illusion, so welcome to my confusion...

You're Andy Kaufman!


Which Andy Kaufman character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

02:07 am - Mr. Dark Sky why do you stay so long?

"Just Like Honey"
-Jesus and the Mary Chain

Tonight he loved and saw a voice unlike the night
So sweet was her voice, and her eyes lifted apathy from us
Hope was sprinkled on top of her ice cream skin and then morning came
No more pain please, I rather swim among the dead sea than sink into death again
Tomorrow will only be a vivid lie, if we don't stop acting like victims and irresponsable
Capture your nightmares and send them to me
Feeding of fear, I can live again and become the monster everyone feared
No this isn't me, I'm not really evil, nor am I a freak, I am still the sweet, silly fat boy with a dream of making people laugh, a dream
I don't want you to feel guilt, that's what drove me insane was the evil of guilt
Feel happy, feel excited, this life is only a mystery away from greatness
Feel reality and play with illusions, don't kill eachother before the night comes, please, don't
Run away I'm dead
I couldn't listen to people talk about what they didn't know
Love isn't poison, it's my eternal prison, that's something right? right? it's a form of love...maybe...no it is...well..no it is..but..no..yes...

*Now do you understand why people are being shallow and nutral?

....yes..no...yes...yes..no....yes..no..yes.nnoo.......I'm not crazy...please don't do this! Not againQ!........yes! ...no!.....NO !

09:18 pm - Kaze Wo Astumete!

"You're such a complex person...I...I don't think people will accept
you without credibilty..."
-Claudia McCotter (2003)

Before I walk out the door, I attempt to poor mint listerine in my mouth but accidently splash it up my nose. Strangly the scent takes me back to the subway in New York, and I can hear the couple argue and the crazy man preach against the end of the world...but the world did end. You don't remember? We aren't living anymore, this is a relapse, a copy...

* You can't write anymore can you? That's why you waste our time with the most bizarre, complex shit.

CLOSING ACT: THE RAVE
WINDY: ...so basically that's when I realized my life will never be complete. There's no hope really, we're stuck like hamsters running towards the illusion of success. Damn where's my purple lighter? Well anyway honey, I hope you understand that love isn't for everyone. When your young, it's like getting your first Christmas present, and you want another one, but eventually you realize it's never going to be different. Love is flat out redundant, and to be quit honest I think it's the ugliest of the four letter words. "Fuck" is so much more passionate to me. If that guy over there in the tight black jeans came over here and told me he wanted to fuck me, I would melt and feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
JESSICA: But Ryan wasn't always this shallow. When we talk now I can still feel under his crips violent voice, a soft romantic boy who use to last piece of raisn bread for me, and wrote me the most enchanting love songs...
WINDY: Honey, it's NEVER going to be the same. Just accept it, move one and find another penis..er um guy to have fun with. They all start out intresting, and nice. If you go in knowning, not thinking that the guy will end up being a phoney, than nothing can hurt you.
JESSICA: Everytime I see another guy I might like, I think about Ryan, and even though we've been apart for over 13 months, I feel like I'm cheating on him if I go for it.
WINDY: HAHa. Jessy, you always know how to make me giggle inside...God. Look he's out there fucking every woman he can touch, and your still worried about his feelings? Masacism isn't love sweety.

*ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...oh are you still writing? my bad.

80% of male panda bears are impotent. The species is in danger. But if the female pandas actually had a choice they would go for the mountain grizzly bear. He never fails to satisfy.

*What the fuck?

She whore purple velvet around her soft brown sugar waste. I could taste her chocolate lips from across the room. When we passed eachother it felt like a dream..

* hahahah You aint Barry White...stop..you're killing me! ahhaahaha

Okay look I'm trying, I can't write anything! If you keep mocking me, I'm leaving!

*Oh don't tease me please. Just give up man..the sandman has come, and he's litterally begging you to get off stage, he's willing to suck your dick, pay your cell phone bill, just get off!

I'm not listening to you, this isn't real. I can still write, just give me a chance.

Okay? umm...what's your next piece of shi..er um "story":)?

Um...it's about ... a manically depressed comedian, who wants rejection and pain from woman to be funny again, so he goes on dates and purposely gets woman to hate him...

*Don't tell me SHOW me casaNEVER!

Okay...wegferg

LAUGHING ON THE REBOUND: scene 3(airport)

Ricky shops for soy milk at a run down Quick Stop. The radio plays the song I Swear by All4One.

RICKY: I know this a little to much to ask, but could you please change that song. I don't want to listen to any romance music now, especially bad ones.
MANAGER: Excuse me?
RICKY: I just would like to shop in peace, my mind is about to exploid into jello, please.
MANAGER: Oh you had a bad day...okay. Can you come closer I have something to tell you.
RICKY: No! You're going to hit me, and then tell me to fuck off! Well not this time! Guess what I don't fucking care if this is your shop! Uh-uh, I spend my money so I can come in and buy a mediocer product that's overppriced and probably made in some foreign country by slaves.
MANAGER: What's her name?
RICKY: Fuck you! THat's her name. Last name You, first name Fuck. Get it? oh you're not laughing, well that's also something else I don't care about! I'm tired of wasting my time to make people laugh, the audience is different every single fucking show, so why should I suck up to you huh?

Ricky starts to pick up candy bars and sodas and throw them on the counter. The manager stairs bankly at Ricky, as he continues to rant.

RICKY: Look at this shit. You're trying to kill us. We live in run down smogy cities, that poison our lungs, we have to listen to the worst fucking music, at least have something healthy for me to eat. I bet you don't have any veggie sandwiches do you?
MANAGER: Nope.
RICKY: Knew it! You hypocritical moron! Why don't we all just find stray cats and dogs and make burgers, I mean it would be the same thing, right? Oh I'm sorry, I noticed you have a little poodle behind the counter...well too bad, cause he's my supper. hahaha. Don't even get me started on the prices! So don't tell me I've had a "bad day" fucker! My day has just started. Oh look, it's your lottery tickets. Can't get enough of our money...why not try rapping our fantasies...She always thought the lottery was real. I've probably spent over $700 on these tickets. Then when she wouldn't get the numbers right, she'd blame it on me. She picked our anniversary once, and said that if we won it would mean we were meant to be together..well guess what? I FUCKING LOST....Ah.....

Ricky is hit on the head with an umbrella by an old woman, and knocked out.

OLD WOMAN: I'm sorry I just couldn't listen to his voice anymore. This neighborhood is full of wackos. The bastard should be out for until the police get here. I thought he was going to shoot you. Oh is this detergent on sale?
MANAGER: No ma'am but if you buy two I can cut the price down.
OLD WOMAN: Thank you sweety.

end scene.

*ummm....I can't fix this man..oh look Conan's on :)

03:25 pm - ANARCHIST DETECTIVE, PART ONE

"She will only break your heart, it's a fact. Even though I warn you, even though I guarantee you that the girl will only hurt you terribly, you will still pursue her. Ain't love grand?"
-Anne Bancroft (Great Expectations-1998)

Acid raind burned his eyes from truth and gave little Jarod Mardux a shade of confidence. Yes he's running back to his dreams now, soon he will become a model for sculpters who make pleasure toys(dildos). It's his job, he sees it as art. What else would he do with his..."talent"...The "man with really big penis" always rules right? Jarod finds his gallent body as a gift and uses it to every heart pulsing advantage. He is adored by "women with adnormal breasts" and admired by weaker men, who study his moves and orgasm technique. He sees his "talent" as a way of giving lonely women pleasure. "I would be selfish to keep all of this to myself." words spoken from the "genus" himself..bravo Jarod! Women everywhere now by the pleasure toy(DILDO!) and make that the high standard of what a man SHOULD be. It's the masterbation generation and they're livin' it up! oh yeah! This gives Jarod power, in his mind, HE'S the one fucking all the women(and some men) night after night. Morality is cryptinight to him, who needs morals, when you have a giant penis, right? This is Jarod Mardux's life, this is his "purpose", he could have been a writer, he wrote beautifully, but it's much easier to just get turned on, than have to think of something witty and clever all the time. Now he has money, women, semi-fame, and lo.....uh oh..Did the bubble burst? L-O-V-E isn't there, it's a myth in the pleasure world. It's overratted and too complicated. Once, maybe once, Jarod cared for someone other than his G-spot. He was in love with an angel, her name rhymed with Lust, and ended with a corrus of doves in his heart. She tought him how to make love, and gave him a self purpose that only an old woman dying alone in a retirement home can wish for. FEEL THE DUST!
She was his cocaine, and he was her reason for living, they both matched in a shallow world built for greedy "Caesar's" and insecure "Mrs. Robinsons". they called eachother names from their favtorite movies, she called him "Alvy", and he called her "Celie". "Alvy" never believed in himself, he always thought he had to be a self-proclaimed martyr to win God's approval. and God well.....
GOD: What up my little chromosomes! Since so many preachers speak for me, I thought I would set the record straight myself and let everyone know how much I hate people who think the way to get into heaven is to actually BE Jesus, and kill theirselves or punish their bodies for a cause. This pains me and makes what I am doing look ridiculous. Just cause you want to follow in Jesus' footsteps doesn't mean you have to suffer like him, that was the whole fu..er um purpose! Please I love each and everyone of you, and don't want you to suffer, you suffer enough, in simple words...STOP POSING MY SON!!! Lata peeps!

.....Even "Celie" knew this, and would beg him to be more positive. She had so much faith in God, and tried to spread it to "Alvy", but he wanted to solve things one his own, and carry unnecessary "crosses" for their love. This did not however interrupt their sex life, after all he had a wonderful...."talent" and she told him "You are so gifted and I know you are going inspire so many people one day, and become rich and famous." He would always reply "I am rich, I have you, and you're my favorite fan.." they would then kiss under a melody of half baked promises and exhausting tenderness. No time for future, must have love now! now! now! Must let my mind consume every ounce of her, until she is starved for air. Get the cameras rolling down under her delightfull velvet smiles, more! more! more!

Drunk off lust and fearing her loss, he then decided that to ensure they're future "comfort" he would sell his soul. Not to the devil, he was busy at the moment...

DEVIL: Hiya! I'm just baking some fresh cookies, made out of ginger bread...mmm..yum...oh poo, I forgot the sugar again, silly me..well the whole "selling soul to the devil" thing has been a bit misrepressented, I for one can't actually buy your soul silly!, but I do have a great connections in the music and film industry, I just got through saving Eddie Murphy's ass with his latest film. It's now grossed $104 million. I mean come on did you really think people would go see that doodoo, on their own..paaalease..well darling's I'd love to stay and chit chat, but I've got a lunchin at 6:66 oops I mean 6:00, damn these rolexes...

He changed his beliefs to adapt to hers, he in a way became her, and this couldn't have made her more distant. One night she drank too much, and they tried the position 69 and he was so happy, that he bragged and bragged to her when she was sober, and this corrupted her heart and love for him....

*BREAK TIME!

She likes the song gravedigger, I listend to it today, just as I discoverd the wonderful Tie Up My Hands, by Starsailor, she has disvoverd another song that describes her longing for warmth and love, we are still connected, but for how long?

"Gravedigger,
When you dig my grave, can you make it shallow, so I can feel the rain.... "

09:22 pm - Dancing with Emotions

You remember movies, but you don't remember your real life?"
-Lauren Holden (The Majestic)

Rose petals fall down to the sky, and sink into clouds as the world has clearly been turned upside down for the bitter. She calls and asks for friendship without giving her heart to mine, no more warm nights, no more musical whispers of fear, she's on her own now. Every artist is born from pain, but where is pain born? Shame builds walls between mothers and daughters, only to be broken by "true love". Something tells me in 20 years, we will both lay on a bed by the ocean and scream for the scars of yesterday to become washed out lessons for those who crave closure. Lost and dizzy lovers travel into our French wine, as I step back and watch the passion ignite between them. Will she hold him as tight? Will he still kiss her, after a fight? Such curiousity is destined to send me to an early grave, without sympathy. Imagining them in lust, is complete torture...ahh!!!! Only when I erase her from my central memory, will she come back....Dust gathers on an old picture in a dark closet, reserved for the blind. Ranting and raving over this unfortunite sitation pushes "friends" away and gives them daggers of guilt to cut me with. In response to their "concern"....
The other half of my heart is locked up in her still, accepting what's done may give peace, but not with my soul. Irony and fate are our biggest enemies now. Midnight arrives and the city shuts the reminiscing ballet down, time to sleep, to dream, to forget, to remember...The gaurds of misery march towards her, they know what I want, and how close she came to happiness too, it's an unfair game, but a game that must be played.

"I've lost a friend and I don't know why, never again, will we get together to die."
-Nico

Sinking into the death of ice cold loneliness, the band played it's symphony to a tune of unjust emotions. If only she saw me pray, if only she saw what I truly desired, if only I had let her go, if only...

02:20 pm - TEAR DOWN THE WALLS

"When you set the pace, you controll the race."
-Steve Prefontaine (1951-1975)

Consider the alternative...

Death came again, and rattle my heart without conviction. I could feel my entire life melting, and crumbling inside, my heart burned with loss, and regret. My diet of self-destruction has brought me nothing, except the destruction of love. To live without a dream, is to die painfully. "Amore" having a great life without me,doesn't kill me. "Amore" loving another person doesn't kill me, "Amore" being thousands of miles away doesn't kill me, "Amore" erasing me from her heart DOES. You can't have real love without irony, and it's started.....
She still loves me deep inside, she's afraid of me not changing, she's afraid that if she shows and slight intrest of compassion, I will ruin her life, and destroy her happiness, she's afraid of my love, it all makes sense, she's not dating other people to hurt me, or to laugh at me for being pathetic, because I haven't moved on. She is living her own life, to make her happy. Once I am comfortable with my feelings for her, she will be too. I may never be with her again, but I rather die, before I stop loving her, or blame her for my pain. This is my life, my heart and my dream. I am responsable for what happens now, not her. Yes it hurts, yes I feel like screaming, and dying, and crying, and running away, but having these feelings are what makes us truly feel alive. At least I'm not some shallow person who's given up on love. As long as I accept and respect her desicions, me loving her is okay. It's a part of who I am, and it's also ok for me to dream about being with her again, in a positive, passionate, respectful and romantic way. Not in a ragefull, vengfull, manic, and depressed manner. No more of that. Time to let go of the ILLUSION OF FAILURE. Yes I will make peace with her again one day, she still cares, so there is hope, maybe not to be together, but we will love eachother somehow. until then, it's time to tear down the negativity I created out of fear, and start living and running towards my dream, instead of hiding from my nightmares. What? I'm obsessed? I'm too optimistic? I'm lying to myself and will melt down soon? As long as my heart beats with love, I will never fail again. I control the failure, it doesn't control me. You hear that death?! huh?! It's over! I'm not yours anymore! this is MY LIFE! and my heart! just try and stop me!
I didn't come this far, to give up and accept losing what my heart truly desires. My friends, I know you will disagree, and that's okay, you have every right to, I pushed this subject on your lifes, and it was my business, I need to go on this road alone now, so I can be a real person again. Thank you for loving me that much, what I do wont make sense now, but eventually in time...what? what about when I meet her boyfriend? well it's what she wants, and that's why I valued her love for me, becuase everything she did for me, was because she wanted to, and now she wants someone else, it's distant and painfull, but still her love, so it's beautiful
yes fight the self doubt!
Let the Olympics of Love begin....

06:51 am - Lucky Eleven

"I'm her soul mate, I'll find her."
-Robin Williams (What Dreams May Come)

They always come back, and leave again...why? This has been the summer of reunions, I have seen people from my deep past to high school, and yet I was empty for her voice, her touch and her warmth, then she called me, and I realized it wasn't over, and it was. She called my love obsessive, and basically I felt like a freak, a loser, not her why her? I've sat and watched everyone drift away from me, like I'm some monster, but not her? Why GOd! Why! We talked for 4 hours, and it was the same, and it was different, she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....she never said goodbye, I was right, she would leave my life and not say goodbye, now she's far away, and I'm just a phone call to her now, a memory a mistake. She's living a good life, with a better boyfriend probably, and she if finally happy. That's what I wanted for her to be free, away from the depression, but I wanted to be with her, I wanted to be the one in her life! Selfish? you think I'm selfish, and obsessive for loving a girl that LOVE ME BACK!? then fuck yoU! seriously fuck everyone who's ever called me out on this, you will never know the pain, of losing someone you love day after day, knowing it's sinking, and that the future is futile to end. Knowing she will leave, come back, leave and eventually disapeare forever. knowing all this, I still love her, and would jump back into her life if she wanted me to....and that's why we will never be together again, I have to get over her, before she would ever want me back..what the fuck? why is the game played like that? it's insanely cruel....Charles Dickon's was so dead on when he wrote Great Expectations...he got it...wow bravo Charles...even after 3 centuries, we still don't listen...I will still follow her, watch her love another man, lose my sanity, and still not understand why my hear hurts, and I can't be with the one I once loved....no matter how many songs (Life in Mono) or movies(Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) are made to share our pain, it still burns our soul..She said the summer was "the shit", she had fun, she called me because she was "relaxed" enough to talk, and tormented me, why? because she can, she is playing her character brillantly and so am I, the only thing that will end from this, will be my life...it's already half gone, she's right, I am desperate, I have driven everyone away, I have lost my gift, I am a bum, she's so right, I'm a loser, she's only wrong about one thing...I will never stop loving her...no one can take that last grain of sand away, not even the person who gave it to me. No one....so what now? do I go back to the mental hospital, suicide? leach onto someone and spew my pain? hide in my room again? pretend I don't care and live a shallow life? stalk her and dig deeper into hell? I believe in beauty, truth, freedom and above all love! I'm alone, I'm on my own now, really really really really, nothing can ever get back what I lost, no one can help me understand the pain, I am on an island and have to get up and find a solution if I want to live...so my friends, I'm sorry if my pain bothers you, I will keep it to myself, I will forgive everyone for the misunderstandings and cruel words, I even forgive her for this psychological mind fuck!!!, and that's real love...I don't want this to be real, please GOd let me wake up! please, I want to die, or wake up, I can't take this,! I saw it coming, but I didn't want it to come...I know boo-hoo. who cares, everyone loses love, right? if I fight for this, I may lose. How could she have the nerve to ask me why my life is messed up, when she knows what she put me throught,...at least I heard her voice again, at least I told her I loved her one more time, at least for one more moment I felt her illusion of warmth, now if you excuse me I must fight off the demons, please have a great weekend, and don't forget the great Beatles song ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE! wow, all those love songs gave me this deliciously wonderful idea of eternal love...wow...that's it I can't do this anymore, I'm a phoney, I need to go away for a while, if I'm going to die I at least want to leave my friends and family in peace, I SWEAR I was a good person, what did I do wrong, I just fell in love, she loved me back? what? I can't stand people seeing me like this, and I can't stand seeing the world this cold, ever since 9-11 it's changed, forever, scared, thank you God for freeing her, now free me, please!!!!!!!!
Lay me down under the shed of tears, and feed the wolves the gossip blasting from my broken heart...

02:04 am - BLUE passion, YELLOW rain

"You are like a candle...why you ask? A candle gives off light to help others...killing itself in the process."
-Sal Watkins

THE HAPPY POEM ;)
Lost in a sea of rhymes a Poem cries out “Love me!”
Enchanted words and frosted emotions create candy for your eyes
The Poem reaches his destination without pain and without reason
Do all poems come from repressed memories and erotic desires?
The Gods of Language shout "There is no place for you,you don’t even rhyme."
Rejection is the poem's only strength now, in a world destined to die
He is sent where all bad poems go...
That empty space in your closet under the chest of unwanted ideas and
forgotten desires...
Then Confidence appears and his eyes are wiped of tears
"You're desperation and starvation have driven away all the angels of love"
Confidence shares. "But tonight I will carry you to that sweet song playing above."
"They won't accept me, I can't even rhyme." The Poem whines.
Rhymes are an illusion of creativity and a desert with too much sugar
Confidence steals the Poem's eyes and then flies back to the Sonnet
Handicapped and hungry, the Poem now has nothing to lose
This is me and all I ever was and will be
Invincible to your laughter and lovable to her forever
The lights of the Sonnet shine upon the Poem
He is too late to be freed from destruction and placed among the forgotten....
He awaits the end, but now has a purpose
He smiles and is glad he is in the Invisible Circus

06:20 pm - DISTANT EYES

"We'll always have Paris."
-Humphrey Bogart (Casablanca)

*what happens now?

SUMMER OF 2003:
August is here again, summer will soon become a ghost in my heart. Holding on to what wasn't mine almost killed me inside, and drove everyone away. Fire flies live only to know a taste of romance before their light dies silently in the night. Until I met her, I thought I would never want to love another woman. Her eyes stung my heart with hope and music that played until the moon crashed our laughter. I recognized her "velvet skin" and independent posture from somewhere before. A dream? a wish? I was shocked at the simularities, and eerie coinsidences she possesed so gracefully. She never desired me, but there was a comfortable understanding between us. I pushed all fantasies and dellusions out of my mind and heart to protect our friendship, and her emotions. I became addicted to her beauty and splash of mystery, enchanted by her dreams for writing, and sad for the future. I hated myself for not being well enough to tell her how I felt. I was too manic, and wore too many masks for affection. So many times I felt embarresed and like a freak infront of her. It was obvious I didn't give up my past, so I couldn't completly show myself to anyone. Then I realized I was falling for someone besides "Amore". This freaked me out. This not only meant "Amore" was really gone, but I had found someone so perfect, and I wasn't ready. Catch 22? Her friendship kept me from being depressed and feeling unloved, she is the best friend you will ever have. Truly, her smile can break any nightmare from your mind, and make poetry come from your mouth like rose colored wine. She knew my feelings without me saying a word, yet she still wanted to be my friend. No one had ever done that for me, I was eternally touched. I never took her priceless affection for more or less than it was. It was "simply stunning". Watching her fall for my friends I felt distant and like glass was growing between us.

*It was all in his head...

Part of her heart was missing, and she searched for it through writing and dancing in the crowd of illusions. Escaping to her roots she found a certain unbreakable peace, and confidence. I kept feeling worthless for not being able to make her happy, or have a deep talk with her. Why was I so nervous? Why did I let myself get so malnutritioned that I couldn't think or talk right? Desperation filled my eyes and started to burn my friends. Confusion was forced into my brain until I burst. How could I be so pathetic and not have enough courage to tell her how I felt? Another tragedy, another nightmare...then "she smiled sweetly" and found her "Oxygen". He returned to mend her wounded heart. It all started to fall into place, she wasn't suppose to be with me, and this was her chance to find happiness and experience true love for the first time. The darkness was gone. She was happy. I needed to meet her at least one more time to capture her magic before it was gone. She walked in half glowing, half cautious. A new life was being breathed into her heart. Dreams were splashing into her eyes, a certain hope carried her across the room. Watching her curious eyes day dream while we were talking, I was reminded how it felt to have the "one" person in your mind through out the day. You could feel her excitement and anticipation in the air, once love was in the air. I have a rare trust with her, I know that she will be okay, and I believe that she will always follow her heart. It's a beautiful heart. I was lucky to be her friend this summer, to share her pain, her happiness and her dreams for a blink of an eye. It wasn't romance, it wasn't infatuation, it wasn't regret. Until I met her, I felt dead inside, and now I realize it is possible to love other people, once you are ready. I hope she finds her REAL "perfect day", I hope she never forgets how gifted she is, I hope she holds on to every second she spends with anyone she loves. I hope the next time I see her, she is glowing... I hope...
She saved me from death, from loneliness and eventually myself. Even if people don't get close to you, they can still change your life, she woke me up, and I am eternally gratefull to her. May "Dorothy" find her way home from Oz and keep writing the songs and tears of our hearts...
Just slip away...

05:45 am - Virtual Dealer

"Women are the closest a man will ever be to God, and sex is the
ultimate form of worship."
-Johnny Depp (Don Juan Demarco)

*I will die soon. Please give my heart to those who have lost
faith in romance.

SELF-PROCLAIMED MARTYR'S ALWAYS LOSE:
Yes those are shots of heroine smoking in my veins, which give me a taste of science fiction and broken laughter. As the insomniac guitarist plays until the night burns away, I chase the only woman I ever loved into an illusion of pleasurable kisses and forbiden tears drip off her silk body like vanilla wine. Those who fear a woman's love are the lost souls that hide in the tunnels of pitty. Rage becomes a loney man's only love, he sells his erotic desires to the guilty and insecure only to be left with a reflection of pure denial. Suddenly my fever hits my mind with too many wishes. If "Amore's" love for me is dead, then why do I feel the warmth and loss when her name is mentioned? The longer she is away, the more I realize how much I love her. Despite what this statement will do to my friends and those who thought I was getting better...I believe it is possible to love a person even though they are gone. She is my heart, she is my existence. I'm not afraid of my feelings for her anymore, than I am of not loving her. Not desperate "I'm going to kill myself if you don't love me" love, but a pure respect and acceptence of her being gone. August 12th is coming, and my "playground" will be blown away forever, unless there is a miracle.
ANATOMY OF A MIRACLE:
Howdy! I'm Reggy, for most people think of the mystical word "Miracle" they think of old 1930s Great Depression songs, like 'What a Wonderful World', 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow', and many of those good ol joyfull prozak soaked favorites. Or you might think of a little classic best seller called 'The Bible' Yes there are many "miracles" in there. This leads to "miracle's" cousin "faith". "Miracle's" my friends are bullshit! If they are real, then why is my life so empty? Fuck everyone who's claimed to have "seen" the light. I've seen the light and it's blue lights of police cars telling me I can't drive as fast as I want, I can't fuck who I want and I can't kill...
STOP!!!
*I loath uneducated preaching(winning)...YUCK!

SHALLOW PET PEAVES:
Have you ever listend to your favorite song 20 times in a row every day, then one day you realize you hate the song, and start to bash it on how fake it is. Then you throw it away with all the other once favorites you own. You decide to tell your friends how much you hate "pop-culture". You rant and rave about how the music industry is getting worse and the artists don't have any talent. You proclaim more than once your opinion, YET you can't seem to stop talking about something you hate. If you are this person, then YOU make me want to shoot myself! For God sakes talk about something meaningful for once, or maybe just maybe let someone else join the conversation. I hate gossip! You are the definition of hypocrite! arggjwfa,....and I've just spent a paragraph writing about you ;)

*He started off romantic, now he's lost you with his hate...

ILLUSION OF REDEMPTION:
"Who is willing to save a world that is destined to die"
-Marvin Gaye

Poets on acid write their dreams on frozen rose petals. Where has the weary rock star traveling to feed his heart gone? As she undresses before my eyes, I slip away into a melody of anorexic rhymes...
ETERNAL PERFUME
Yesterday "Dorothy" sang to her own heart
Every silent kiss leaves her thirsty for a dream
Shallow men bring her gifts that rip her apart
Pray for a world that proves love isn't so mean
Crying to the sky, she remembers how fast feelings die
Simple affection pours off her soul like chilled honey
Her laughter can make your cherrish every hug, and regret every lie
Her lust for the "Perfect day" carries the flame for eternity
No one so sweet should have to suffer to capture a butterfly
Let her eyes open for the length of her favorite song
Soft spoken promises of pleasure and comfort go without her reply
Hold on to your heart "Dorothy" true love isn't so wrong
Tomorrow she will sing to her future and return broken stars

07:13 pm - INTELLECTUAL WHORE

"This isn't gonna have a happy ending."
-Morgan Freeman (Se7en)

*before they read this, they must know...I did it for the wrong reasons....oh shit...they're here...

SELF DESTRUCTION IS SO 1999:
Hi! I'm feeling self loathing and anti-compassionate, could you fill my empty life up with priceless compliments and an over dose of sweetness for my ego? Yes it's shallow wishes, with an envy cream filling. Isn't this fun, now you're feeling negative with me...uh oh, I might lose you as a friend...no don't go, I need your sympa..er um LOVE.
THE DESTRUCTION OF LOVE:
Love is now sold on the web like shower curtains and shared to friends like pop music. Woman with accents have become the sexual lust feast for our generation, now .....
TROPICAL FEAR: I don't want to listen to your psycho political babble, tell us a story!

*She left her life to her mother

THE ANARCHIST DETECTIVE:

Ricky types his fingers to an early grave, trying to impress a distant "angel", he fears her warmth and can't stand her absence. He writes a poem:
Candy is the divine source of our love
We can never cherish the world that we lost
Dancing in a velvet courtyard from above
Her ashes turn from sweet snow to bitter frost
Should I manipulate the ghosts that corrupt my heart
For every arrogant scream there is a soft spoken child
We still dream of a "space odyssey", even though we're apart
Damaged and tortured we become insanely WILD
WILD!!!

*he's burning the passion...stop him!

I don't want this life anymore, I would rather spend my life dreaming and inspiring people through characters, than stay here and drown in a glass of water. I'm glad she doesn't feel the same way, everyone who loved me has been poisoned by my selfish journey to insanity...

VOICE OF REASON: This is nothing new...you want people to read this so they feel an emotion for you and "understand" you, please stop with the pitty. Remember how you use to make people laugh WITHOUT wanting them to love you, or be your friends.

Ricky laid his head by the "electronic cigarette" and waited for the internal torture to go away. The perfume from her hair kept him awake..."velvet kisses"...Then the "oracle" contacted him, she sees everything we ignore. She told him that he was blinded by his past and would continue to destroy everyone in his path, until he let go of the misery. She told him that he almost lost "Dorothy" as a friend, and that he was giving off an image of manic-depressive rage, rather than the joyfully lunatic. Time is running out, soon fate would smother him. She warned him about "Amore's" return, and begged him to find a balance....

03:34 pm - Who wants to live forever?

"Time waits for nobody."
-Freddie Mercury

THOUGHTS OF THE OPTIMISTIC:
He is NOT going to die friday, the doctors are going to fix his heart, and he WILL live, he has to, there's so much he hasn't done yet, I need him, I've been the worst son these last two years. I know this sounds selfish, but I'm not ready for him to go. Not like this. Please God, I know he has chance, he's a good person, not now, not like this. As for what I am suppose to feel about what "Hope" told me he expected "Amore" to do before she leaves forever into the world? Call me crazy and obsessive, but I feel there is a chance for us to make peace at least, I know deep inside "Amore" is a good person and doesn't mean to be this selfish. Yes I know many of you disagree with me, but were you in love with her? exactly. "Hope" wants me to let go, and accept his prophecy, but if I do that so blindly and quickly, than all that I am is dead allready...And one last prayer: God let him be happy before he dies, he's not happy now, please don't let him go...

I am not a victim, I hurt a friend last night, I didn't mean to, but I made her think I wanted something from her. I do, I want her to be free, to find love, and to be happy. She didn't hurt me, I hurt myself a long time ago, and I apologize if she got caught in my pain, she doesn't deserve that. She is a free spirit, and I know she will be okay. I'm not apologizing for how I feel, I am apologizing for what my feelings do to people. My friends don't deserve to be on a "rollercoaster" all the time, I understand their confusion,frustration, anger, and unfortunetly fear. I am an intense person.

SCENE FROM 'PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE'
BARRY: um...I know you're a doctor and I was wondering if you could help me with something?
FRIEND: Sure, what's wrong?
BARRY: I don't like myself very much,I feel lonely alot and sometimes I cry for no reason...I um...was wondering if you knew what I could do about that?
FRIEND: Barry, I'm a dentist.

01:18 am - DREAMERS AWAKE

"I'm not the one?"
-Keanu Reeves (The Matrix)

The darkness came again, but this time from a good and honest place. Any pain I feel is created by me, not her. She hasn't hurt me, she IS an angel. When we are pushed away, we always want to find reasons, and create our own truth, for closure. Whatever we are presented with is real, wheather we like it or not, this is the way it is. The future is still in our hands. Now it's time to coninue creating reality and disapeare into the eternal masks of madness I have so joyfully created over my 20 years...yes I am addicted to acting, it's the only way I can live now...please don't take that away, not acting! I need it to feel now....wait...sorry...I'm happy! la la la, so happy together! :0)

SCENE FROM 'MAN ON THE MOON'
ANDY: I'm a bad person...
LYNN: you aren't a bad person, you are a complicated person...
ANDY: yeah? you don't know the "real me".
LYNN: There isn't a "real you".
ANDY: Oh yeah......I forgot.....